Harry Potter Asexual
by Mya Uzo
Summary: Harry's sexuality is called into question. Asexual? Well, that won't do. For once in their life the wizarding world unites to solve a problem. Harry just wishes that his nonexistent sex-life wasn't that problem. Sequel in progress. 'Harry's Appropriate Behavior Seminar.'


Harry Potter. Asexual.

Summary: Harry's sexuality is called into question. Asexual? Well, that won't do. For once in their life the wizarding world unites to solve a problem. Harry just wishes that his nonexistent sex-life wasn't that problem.

"Ginny's looking for you, Harry." Dean said with a grin. Harry shrugged.

"Okay. What is it she wants?" Dean rolled his eyes at Harry's obliviousness.

"You can't be that blind mate! She fancies you!"

"Oh." Harry said before continuing to read his quidditch book.

"Oh?! What do you mean 'oh'? I'd give an arm and a leg to have a bird that hot after me!" Dean moaned enviously.

"I suppose Ginny is…pleasing to the eye." Harry said with a shrug. "I never much thought about her that way."

Dean paused in his ranting's.

"Well, I suppose because you're close to the Weasley family and all that you might view her in a platonic way. Oh well! Maybe I can nab her!" Dean fist pumped and Harry chuckled.

"If not Ginny, who do you have your eye on? Cho? Lavender? Padma and Parvarti? Twins…" Dean trailed off with a lecherous grin.

Harry just shook his head at all the names.

"I've never given much thought to girls."

"Oh," Dean paused, "what about blokes? Neville's pretty darn hot now that he lost all of that baby fat."

Harry just shook his head.

"I never really thought about blokes either."

The common room was suddenly quiet. Harry looked away from Dean and realized that the entire common room had been listening to their conversation.

"Harry…" Hermione said quietly, "have you ever thought about anybody…sexually?"

Harry blinked and thought about it before he shook his head.

The common room exploded into noise.

**BOY-WHO-LIVED-TO-BE-ASEXUAL?!**

By Rita Skeeter

_**This reporter has discovered such horrifying and distressing news! Harry potter, the boy-who-lived, is asexual! Mr. Potter after a series of questions admitted that he felt no inclination toward the male or female form. While he can recognize beauty he does not feel a need to ahem pursue it. This reporter is so confounded and shocked with this news that she cannot even write a full article!**_

All around Great Britain wizards and witches read the news in absolute shock. Harry Potter _asexual?!_ They just could believe it. Even Voldemort choked on his tongue when he read the daily prophet. Even he snake face and all found some appreciation and sexual gratification in the male form. That his most dangerous and annoying enemy was asexual? Well this would not stand!

"Lucius get in here! I need to call a death eater meeting! And owl the ministry we need to make negotiations on a temporary peace treaty!"

Harry's life had gotten weird after he admitted to being an asexual. People kept eying him in a most distressing manner.

To put it bluntly. He feared for his virginity.

Was it that odd that a sixteen year old was not interested in sex? Well, according to the wizarding world. It was.

"Potter! Please pay attention in class!" Snape snarled. Harry grimaced and looked down at his potion. He couldn't even remember what they were making. He looked at the board. They were making a …lubricant?

The fuck?

"That's it Potter detention!"

Harry scowled at Professor Snape. Class was almost over and he been good the entire time. Snape glared at him and Harry looked down and continued the potion. After class was over he bottled up the potion and cleaned up his work station. He sat down at his desk. Unfortunately, Potions was his last class and he had been looking forward to hiding in his room. Just what he wanted. More time with Snape. Ugh.

"You've been a very bad boy, Potter." Harry looked up at Snape suddenly, very very afraid.

"Have I professor?" he swallowed.

Professor Snape smirked at him.

"Indeed Mr. Potter and I believe that you should be…punished." He looked at Harry with heated eyes.

Harry paled.

"And how should I be punished sir?" Snape stalked up to Harry's desk before reaching into his robes and palming his bulge.

Harry's eyes widened and he stood up from his desk and ran out of the room screaming.

Harry shivered underfed his covers. That didn't happen. That didn't happen. That didn't happen. He buried his face in his knees.

"Gah! I'm scarred for life now!"

-The next day-

Harry thanked every deity on the earth that he didn't have Potions the next day. He pushed back flashbacks of the horrifying event and concentrated on his herbology class.

Professor Sprout was giving a lecture on a rare plant. It wasn't a pretty sight either. It was dark, ugly, and had tentacle like branches and the leaves resembled tongues.

"The Japanese use this plant as a means of sexual release."

Suddenly Harry had a baaaad feeling about this.

"It feeds on sexual energy and while the female sex energy is ideal male energy will do in a pinch. I want all of you to write a one foot essay on the Shukashu plant." She said as class ended. She looked at Harry and winked.

Harry hurriedly put his books away and sprinted out of class. There was no way in hell he was going to let that lady get her clutches on him. Maybe Neville though. He might like that sort of thing.

-The next day-

Harry was in the library. The only place that he was sure he was safe. People had been hitting on him all day and trying to get him alone. He wasn't even safe from the bloody teachers! The library was safe, quiet and most important no one was here.

He sighed in relief.

"Hello, Harry." Padma said smiling as she sat down next to him. Parvarti sat on his right and smiled.

"Hi Harry."

Harry nodded at the two girls and swallowed his dread.

"Hello Parvarti and Padma. How are you today?"

"Well Harry," Padma put her hand on his thigh and squeezed it. She had always been the most forward of the two. "Parvarti and I realize that the situation you are in is quite...difficult."

Harry nodded and jumped slightly when Parvarti put his hand on his other thigh.

"All of these girls and guys are just sooo forceful."

"Yeah?"

"mmhmm." Parvarti nodded.

"So perhaps you would like to just watch?"

"What?!"

Suddenly Padma and Parvarti stood up. Padma transformed Parvarti's robes into a bunch of chains and leather that somehow managed to cover the important bits. She then transformed her robes into a dominatrix outfit. She pulled out a riding crop and began to spank Parvarti.

"Take it Parvarti! Take it! You can join anytime you want Harry." But it was too late Harry had already ran out of the library to his safe haven. His bed.

Harry rocked himself under the covers and shuddered.

"You seem to be having some difficulties Mr. Potter." Dumbledore said sucking on a lemon drop. Harry nodded frantically.

"Everyone is trying to jump me headmaster! I'm scared to leave my bloody room!"

Dumbledore chuckled.

"Lemon drop my boy? I'm sure it'll calm you down some." Harry hesitated before taking a lemon drop.

"You're right headmaster. I do feel calmer. Thank you." Harry blinked the sudden haze from his eyes. Dumbledore stood up and walked from behind his desk and put his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"I understand that this is a confusing time Mr. Potter. Male? Female? What does it matter?" Dumbledore began to caress Harry's shoulders, "all that matters is if it feels good." He whispered and leaned down.

Harry snapped out of overwhelming calm and began to scream hysterically. He screamed and screamed and only paused to draw breath before screaming again.

Dumbledore leaned back and sighed before walking back to his desk and sitting down.

"Obliviate."

Harry stopped screaming and blinked confused.

"You seem to be having difficulties Mr. Potter," Dumbledore repeated, "I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. Now return back to your studies."

Harry blinked and shook his head slightly.

"Thank you headmaster." He left the room.

Dumbledore popped a lemon drop and looked at Fawkes forlornly.

"Am I really that old and unappealing?"

Fawkes trilled sadly.

-That weekend-

Harry decided to not let the recent events get him down. He was going to go to homemade this weekend and have some fun if it bloody killed him. He was going to forget all about this past week and enjoy himself. Sadly, he did not attempt to bring Hermione and Ron with him. They could not be trusted. Hermione had pulled a naughty school girl act on him which Harry just barely escaped from and Ron had tried out some sort of quidditch fantasy.

Harry couldn't wait until all of this blew over. This couldn't last forever right?

He sat down in the pub and grabbed a butter beer.

"Hello Mr. Potter." A smooth voice drawled from the seat across from him. Harry looked up and blanched.

"Mr. Malfoy."

Malfoy smirked at him.

"Where are those friends of yours?"

"Does it matter?" Harry said and wished he could take it back. He had the feeling that was the wrong thing to say. He was proven right when a foot ran up and down his leg. He looked at Lucius with wide eyes.

"Uhhh…"

"Speechless? Trust me Mr. Potter by the end of the night. The only thing you'll be able to do is scream my name."

Harry bolted out of the Leaky Cauldron faster than you could say quidditch.

Harry ran down the street until he couldn't run anymore. He leaned against a brick wall and sighed to himself. He blinked and took in his surroundings. He was in knockturn alley? Well, that couldn't be good.

"Hello Harry." Said a voice that haunted Harry's every nightmare.

"Voldemort." He spat and glared at the serpentine man.

"Don't be that way, Harry. I didn't track you down to bring you pain…only pleasure."

Harry paled.

"Dear god not you too!" Harry sobbed and ran the other way.

"Run while you can potter." Voldemort smirked. "It won't be long now."

Harry crawled under his covers and sniffled.

"Why? Why is this happening to me?"

-The next day-

"Harry, my boy, I need you to come to the ministry with me." Dumbledore said.

Harry frowned and stood up from the table and followed the headmaster out of the great hall.

"What's going on headmaster?"

"Don't worry. Nothing bad."

"Right." Harry didn't believe it for a second. Not with the week he had.

They flooed into the ministry and Harry saw the most bizarre thing ever. On the right side of the room were the dark lord and his death eaters and on the left side were the minister and his workers.

"What's going on here?" he asked nervously.

"Well, Harry the dark lord and I have come to an agreement." The minister said, "Until the issue of your sexuality is dealt with we have called a temporary truce."

"What?!" Harry choked.

"Both sides have gathered their most talented male and female candidates. You will spend a few hours with each."

"What?!"

"Sorry Harry, but this is for the greater good."

"What?!"

A random hot woman stunned Harry and floated him into a private room available.

"Come on girls lets win this one for the girls! Woo!" the girls cheered and all entered the room.

Several hours later Harry stumbled out of the room with a dazed expression on his face. A random ministry worker shoved a few potions down his throat and Harry perked right up fully energized. He was knocked off his feet with a spell and a random hot male wizard grabbed his feet and pulled him in the room.

"Blokes over girls any day Harry! Blokes! Blokes! Blokes!" the guys cheered and crowded into the private room.

Several hours later and Harry walked out the room and winced. He looked at the expectant wizards in front of him. "I…have made my decision."

Later that day Harry was in dressed robes and standing on the podium. Wizards and witches both dark and light crowded in front of him. Every single one of them was waiting for his decision. For him to announce his sexuality.

He cleared his throat and adjusted the microphone.

"All of you are gathered here for a reason today. Not too long ago my sexuality was brought into question and ignorantly I said that I was asexual. Many of you have taken steps to remedy this issue and I thank you. Others…well your sexual advances were very…let's just say that I could do without. After great consideration and much experimentation. I have decided that I, Harry potter, am…"

Wizarding Britain held their breath.

"Bisexual."

Chaos broke loose.

Harry sat back from the podium and smirked inwardly. He had taken a look at that peace contract and found a very large loophole. For the contract to end Harry had to choose either heterosexually or homosexuality. It never said anything about bisexuality. That temporary truce just became a lot less temporary and a lot more permanent.


End file.
